Working through the noise

I am sitting at my desk working on a novel. It is my first novel and I go days without sitting down to touch it. Procrastination, fear, anxiety? Who knows. There is usually a good deal of chatter in my head and no I am not psychotic. 

Then there is the noise of my dogs. A new puppy and a three year old, both labs. The puppy of course is the instigator. She bothers the older dog constantly. Betsy, the three year old is very gentle and so she whines and growls and the puppy keeps bugging her -- all of this under my feet, under my bed. As annoying as the sound from the dogs may be, it is better than the sound in my head.

Time Passes

Wow. It has been so long since I wrote a post on this site. Thus, the title of the post. Time passes and things seem to change and then stay the same. I am always at a loss to think that as much progress as I make, I mostly feel like I am treading water. I don't mean that I am near drowning, no, but that I am getting nowhere .

I believe there are lessons to be learned and I wonder what it is I am doing that is preventing me from learning what feels like a major lesson. There must be a serious flaw within or I wouldn't be treading water.  

Watching my son move through his life with much more ease and grace than I do, is helpful. I can be an observer of his behavior and mine simultaneously. For example, we have been discussing working for art, working for money. He told me my ego gets in the way, that I have false pride.  To some extent he is correct, in other ways he is not. I am not 19 and bursting on to the scene as he is. I don't have the time to waste doing some things. And, I have always been a purist about my work, my art etc.

 When I was acting , working on Broadway was not something to aspire to. I was a serious actress and not ready to sell out-as it were, to work on Broadway. I was trained by famous people and would do my craft.  I still suffer from this type of thinking with my writing. What! me write copy, business writing-- don't you people understand I am an artist.  

Then, reality sets in and the need to find money for bills becomes overwhelming. 

One day it will work it self out in my head.  As I do believe I am teachable.

What's Up with That

I don't know what that means, but I liked the sound of it. Actually, I haven't posted a blog in a long time. I was hired and fired from a job within 3 months. The economy was against me from the start as I had to raise funds, among others things. It was demoralizing but I have gotten over it. The whole project began with the "cards stacked against me" as it were. 

I am out looking like so many other people. Tomorrow, I have lunch with someone I would like to work with. We will see. Anyway, I have to keep going forward, one step at a time. I also have a writing project, my own, that is starting to really bother me, as I have avoided it. I will begin soon.:) 

A new season begins

It is amazing how connected my life is to the rhythm of my children's lives.  The academic season has begun, my son has gone off to college and my daughter has started high. This week I begin a new and very exciting job utilizing all my skills. And so, we all begin a new chapter in our lives and I trust that we will all grow and succeed in our efforts.

 I am looking forward to the challenges and the creative energy that will result from my efforts. The realities of such a position touch many aspects of my life; and there is a spiritual component to this as well. The potential for positive change is always present, both on a personal level and on a global level.

Of course I am working for a not for profit. I could not handle a corporate environment. I also get to continue to work from my home and be here for my daughter-- that too is significant.

The process of change is unavoidable, the result of that change -- my personal change -- is dependent upon me. I look forward, as I usually do, to the opportunity to learn and grow.

A season's passing

I am not sure about the title of this post. It strikes me a melancholy. Perhaps it is. My son is off to college, doing well -- as I knew he would.  My daughter has started high school, though I am not pleased about where she is in school. I have gotten a new job. 

Thus, the summer comes to a successful end. I am still stuck on the school calendar. My job begins Sept. 1st and it has potential for wonderful experiences. The position requires that I use many of the skills I have amassed over the years.  It is exciting and scary at once.

My marriage continues on. I am not sure how much longer we can exist in this particular frame work.  Great discomfort for both of us.

I am working on staying positive and hope with the passing of summer my propensity to be negative will pass as well.

What the future holds

Do I sound trite? There is truth in all those silly little expressions that are ruined with over use but the core of those expressions remains poignant. My son graduated high school last week; my baby is growing up.... He is after all only 6'1" and still growing. I was so very proud of him as he walked across the stage to receive an award and then again to receive his diploma. At graduation, I did not cry, nor did I feel like crying. It was very exciting for me and I know he was anxious to be officially done. He has been "over it (high school)" for many months.

I was asked today for an article idea for a parenting magazine and I realized that there were parallels about my experience of my son going off to pre-school and his going off to college. Transitions are always awkward. They are usually a mixture of many emotions, positive and negative. Perhaps it is better to say, a sense of accomplishment and loss. There is no way around those feelings but through them. But, as I did when he went off to school for the first time, I will trust that I have prepared him to make the right choices, believe that he can think for himself and cope, and trust that all good things will occur. For me, the hardest part of not knowing what will happen are my fears that someone or some thing will hurt my son and I won't be there to fix it. Though he is 18, he is still so young -- I wouldn't dare say that to him.  Time hasn't made me conservative or pessimistic. Love has made me fearful --for him --as he is precious to me.  

I know that he is not leaving my life completely, that change is inevitable and good but I will miss his smile, his imitations, his composing his music at the piano. I will adjust and hope that in the meantime I don't drive my daughter, still at home for a few years, crazy.  

What will I do when I grow up

I ran into a woman I know earlier this morning as she was walking and I was returning from the dog park. We stopped to chat and we got to the subject of work. She has three children, high school, middle school and elementary school. She has been volunteering her time and now feels a bit put out as the schools expectations of her expertise and time commitments have become abusive.

"I am thinking about what I want to do when I grow up," she joked, as she explained she had a degree in foreign languages and had been working with the ESOL children. That struck a chord within me. I measure myself against the amount of money I earn too often and many times in unreasonable ways. If I write an article and receive $120 for the piece, it is not good enough. I am always putting myself down and in the process wonder what will I be when I grow up.

Here's the sad news. I am grown up and have been doing what I am doing for many years. So, when does the time come when I don't put myself down for not earning a million dollars as a writer? I know the answers are "within me" and blah, blah, blah. 

Giving that pity me stuff up for another thought, I realized this A.M. that I probably have enough stories for another short story book collection. That is really exciting. I will approach this collection a bit differently, I will pay closer attention to the generally accepted lengths of short stories. Mine, while not long enough to be novellas are none the less generally too long.

Boy, does that mean I know what I am going to be when I grow up? Or maybe, I should just stop worrying about it and get on with what excites me.