A season's passing

I am not sure about the title of this post. It strikes me a melancholy. Perhaps it is. My son is off to college, doing well -- as I knew he would.  My daughter has started high school, though I am not pleased about where she is in school. I have gotten a new job. 

Thus, the summer comes to a successful end. I am still stuck on the school calendar. My job begins Sept. 1st and it has potential for wonderful experiences. The position requires that I use many of the skills I have amassed over the years.  It is exciting and scary at once.

My marriage continues on. I am not sure how much longer we can exist in this particular frame work.  Great discomfort for both of us.

I am working on staying positive and hope with the passing of summer my propensity to be negative will pass as well.

What the future holds

Do I sound trite? There is truth in all those silly little expressions that are ruined with over use but the core of those expressions remains poignant. My son graduated high school last week; my baby is growing up.... He is after all only 6'1" and still growing. I was so very proud of him as he walked across the stage to receive an award and then again to receive his diploma. At graduation, I did not cry, nor did I feel like crying. It was very exciting for me and I know he was anxious to be officially done. He has been "over it (high school)" for many months.

I was asked today for an article idea for a parenting magazine and I realized that there were parallels about my experience of my son going off to pre-school and his going off to college. Transitions are always awkward. They are usually a mixture of many emotions, positive and negative. Perhaps it is better to say, a sense of accomplishment and loss. There is no way around those feelings but through them. But, as I did when he went off to school for the first time, I will trust that I have prepared him to make the right choices, believe that he can think for himself and cope, and trust that all good things will occur. For me, the hardest part of not knowing what will happen are my fears that someone or some thing will hurt my son and I won't be there to fix it. Though he is 18, he is still so young -- I wouldn't dare say that to him.  Time hasn't made me conservative or pessimistic. Love has made me fearful --for him --as he is precious to me.  

I know that he is not leaving my life completely, that change is inevitable and good but I will miss his smile, his imitations, his composing his music at the piano. I will adjust and hope that in the meantime I don't drive my daughter, still at home for a few years, crazy.  

Powerless

I have no control over what over people do, feel, or say. But, as a mother that doesn't remove the desire to control things, especially when the things relate to my children.  I no longer have babies.  I have teenagers, one of them is 14 -- my daughter.

She was away for a few days visiting some friends she met last summer at a program at Georgetown Un. It was a wonderful experience for her and she has stayed close to the girls she met. I had spoken with her several times during this past weekend and she sounded fine.

Last night, she returned home and locked herself in her room. She was crying. The crying hasn't stopped. I ask her questions but receive a "no" head shake. I am scared that someone has hurt her as she will not talk, and will not look at me. 

I can't force her to talk about the problem, though I have tried to cajole it out of her. I feel badly that she won't share the problem. And so I sit with my anxiety about what the problem is and I feel powerless to affect a change.  I can get wrapped up in emotional turmoil, but I have learned over the years to talk about it-- to get clarity.  She hasn't learned that lesson yet and it is painful to watch.  I do not like to see my children in pain though I know we all grow through our experiences.   I have lessons to learn through this as well, one is learning how to change my feeling of powerlessness.