Sunday, August 31, 2008

A new season begins

It is amazing how connected my life is to the rhythm of my children's lives.  The academic season has begun, my son has gone off to college and my daughter has started high. This week I begin a new and very exciting job utilizing all my skills. And so, we all begin a new chapter in our lives and I trust that we will all grow and succeed in our efforts.

 I am looking forward to the challenges and the creative energy that will result from my efforts. The realities of such a position touch many aspects of my life; and there is a spiritual component to this as well. The potential for positive change is always present, both on a personal level and on a global level.

Of course I am working for a not for profit. I could not handle a corporate environment. I also get to continue to work from my home and be here for my daughter-- that too is significant.

The process of change is unavoidable, the result of that change -- my personal change -- is dependent upon me. I look forward, as I usually do, to the opportunity to learn and grow.

Friday, August 22, 2008

A season's passing

I am not sure about the title of this post. It strikes me a melancholy. Perhaps it is. My son is off to college, doing well -- as I knew he would.  My daughter has started high school, though I am not pleased about where she is in school. I have gotten a new job. 

Thus, the summer comes to a successful end. I am still stuck on the school calendar. My job begins Sept. 1st and it has potential for wonderful experiences. The position requires that I use many of the skills I have amassed over the years.  It is exciting and scary at once.

My marriage continues on. I am not sure how much longer we can exist in this particular frame work.  Great discomfort for both of us.

I am working on staying positive and hope with the passing of summer my propensity to be negative will pass as well.

Friday, May 30, 2008

What the future holds

Do I sound trite? There is truth in all those silly little expressions that are ruined with over use but the core of those expressions remains poignant. My son graduated high school last week; my baby is growing up.... He is after all only 6'1" and still growing. I was so very proud of him as he walked across the stage to receive an award and then again to receive his diploma. At graduation, I did not cry, nor did I feel like crying. It was very exciting for me and I know he was anxious to be officially done. He has been "over it (high school)" for many months.

I was asked today for an article idea for a parenting magazine and I realized that there were parallels about my experience of my son going off to pre-school and his going off to college. Transitions are always awkward. They are usually a mixture of many emotions, positive and negative. Perhaps it is better to say, a sense of accomplishment and loss. There is no way around those feelings but through them. But, as I did when he went off to school for the first time, I will trust that I have prepared him to make the right choices, believe that he can think for himself and cope, and trust that all good things will occur. For me, the hardest part of not knowing what will happen are my fears that someone or some thing will hurt my son and I won't be there to fix it. Though he is 18, he is still so young -- I wouldn't dare say that to him.  Time hasn't made me conservative or pessimistic. Love has made me fearful --for him --as he is precious to me.  

I know that he is not leaving my life completely, that change is inevitable and good but I will miss his smile, his imitations, his composing his music at the piano. I will adjust and hope that in the meantime I don't drive my daughter, still at home for a few years, crazy.  

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

What will I do when I grow up

I ran into a woman I know earlier this morning as she was walking and I was returning from the dog park. We stopped to chat and we got to the subject of work. She has three children, high school, middle school and elementary school. She has been volunteering her time and now feels a bit put out as the schools expectations of her expertise and time commitments have become abusive.
"I am thinking about what I want to do when I grow up," she joked, as she explained she had a degree in foreign languages and had been working with the ESOL children. That struck a chord within me. I measure myself against the amount of money I earn too often and many times in unreasonable ways. If I write an article and receive $120 for the piece, it is not good enough. I am always putting myself down and in the process wonder what will I be when I grow up.

Here's the sad news. I am grown up and have been doing what I am doing for many years. So, when does the time come when I don't put myself down for not earning a million dollars as a writer? I know the answers are "within me" and blah, blah, blah. 

Giving that pity me stuff up for another thought, I realized this A.M. that I probably have enough stories for another short story book collection. That is really exciting. I will approach this collection a bit differently, I will pay closer attention to the generally accepted lengths of short stories. Mine, while not long enough to be novellas are none the less generally too long.

Boy, does that mean I know what I am going to be when I grow up? Or maybe, I should just stop worrying about it and get on with what excites me.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Blogging for the fun of it...

It is only a few short months ago that I began this blogging experience. I think I fall right into the general population of bloggers: after 3 months of blogging my posts began to dwindle. Partly, it is that I have not yet mastered the ability to connect with the world out there in cyber space. I did happen to see a figure on one of my sites that demonstrated to me that some in cyber space have actually found their way on to my blogs, but, they have not been moved to respond to anything I write.  Such is life. Recently, I have wanted to get back to this blogging business and see if I can't make the leap across the great divide or the great silence barrier. I have seen a few posts that give advice a such a process and I will once again try to implement these suggestions. In the mean time, I hope to get excited about blathering on on my blog sites and in the process inspire someone to reach out and blather back.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

More about powerlessness or not....

I had forgotten that a post had been made concerning my daughter. As a mother who is attentive to her children's moods, coughs and every movement, I took my daughter to speak with a professional. I was assured that my daughter was well. An adolescent who is going through adolescent issues was the way it was stated. Still, it is not easy to watch my daughter struggle. She is generally a happy girl but clearly things are on her mind.

I never diminish the feelings of others (actually, I just wrote a post on my business site about women and emotions -- you can see that on zimbio.com women and business) and I do not diminish the angst she is moving through. I know that she will move through this in her time but I do wish I could lessen the pain. And, I know that lessening the pain would be a disservice to her -- she needs to learn how to move through all types of experiences including emotionally charged ones.

So, I do the best I can to stay calm, and trust that my wonderful daughter will come out of this alright. She has so much to offer the world. All we have to do is live through this crisis or as that saying goes: one day at a time.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Powerless

I have no control over what over people do, feel, or say. But, as a mother that doesn't remove the desire to control things, especially when the things relate to my children.  I no longer have babies.  I have teenagers, one of them is 14 -- my daughter.

She was away for a few days visiting some friends she met last summer at a program at Georgetown Un. It was a wonderful experience for her and she has stayed close to the girls she met. I had spoken with her several times during this past weekend and she sounded fine.

Last night, she returned home and locked herself in her room. She was crying. The crying hasn't stopped. I ask her questions but receive a "no" head shake. I am scared that someone has hurt her as she will not talk, and will not look at me. 

I can't force her to talk about the problem, though I have tried to cajole it out of her. I feel badly that she won't share the problem. And so I sit with my anxiety about what the problem is and I feel powerless to affect a change.  I can get wrapped up in emotional turmoil, but I have learned over the years to talk about it-- to get clarity.  She hasn't learned that lesson yet and it is painful to watch.  I do not like to see my children in pain though I know we all grow through our experiences.   I have lessons to learn through this as well, one is learning how to change my feeling of powerlessness.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Too many passwords

I made my decision and bought my new computer. And not unlike my last experience with a MAC, I managed, within the first few actions to delete a program. It just went poof and disappeared. The support woman on the phone kept saying, "don't worry, it is there." Alas, it was not there.
Fortunately, it was a trial program so I downloaded it again.

Next came time to check my bank statement. I entered my password and it came up with a security question I never typed in. I was suppose to have a different question and the computer kept tasking me what was the name of the city in which I was married. I would answer and was told I was not being specific enough. It also told me that it did not recognize the computer. OK, let's try it again. And again, And Again. Still, it kept telling me that where I was married was not correct. You have to have a sense of humor. I decided to check into later. I haven't blogged in about a week , so I chose to do this instead of dealing with the bank. 

My new computer has a lot of bells and whistles--as they say. I think perhaps I should get some lessons to learn exactly what this machine can do. Years ago, I had a PC that did all types of fancy stuff for the time. I just used it as a word processor. It was silly not to learn more of the computer. So, here is another pledge for this year. I will learn all the tricks my computer can do and try to utilize them. How? That remains to be seen.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Buying a new computer

I remember the first time I needed to buy a computer. It was months before I could get the courage up to make the purchase. It was during the early 80's and while computers were around not so many people owned one. I remember, as I was living in a loft in Manhattan, that my upstairs neighbor was "investigating" a purchase. I learned a good from our discussions. I bought mine before he bought his computer. I bought an IBM and the operating system was DOS.

I learned enough of DOS to work my computer and write my dissertation on it. For whatever reasons, I eventually needed to buy a new computer-- this time I went with an Apple. There was a graphic designer in my building who owned a MAC and loved it. "You can't do anything to ruin this computer, " she told me one day, as I had the computer sitting on my desk for about two weeks unopened. I was afraid of it. I didn't know what would happen if I turned it on.

I followed her advice and turned it on. BOOM the thing froze before it had completely booted up. That led to many phone calls and finally several hours of talking with support to straighten out the problem. We became such good friends during the long arduous process of figuring out what was wrong with my computer, that at the end, when the machine was up and running, the man on the other end of the phone said, "Now, Linda, you need to get a glass of wine and take a warm, bath to calm down. Everything is fine." He was cute. I don't know that I did either of those things, but I certainly didn't feel anymore secure about my ability to operate a computer than I had before I hit the on switch-- and so much for the graphic artist's advice...

I have had several computers since that time and today I need to go once again and purchase a new computer. Since those first years, I have had different kinds of computers, including one custom made. My kids have MAC laptops with all kinds of fancy bells and whistles. I think I will go back over to Apple. I am sure that once I make the purchase I will have heart palpitations before I turn the thing on. This time, I will probably enlist the help of my son--he no doubt will think I am ridiculous.

But, now I am facing transferring the data from my PC to the MAC and the thought of that makes me nervous. Oh Well, yet another adventure. Hopefully, I won't repeat my first experience and have the thing freeze up on me and I won't loose any important files in the transfer. After all these years, I know alot more about computers and how to do things but I am still intimidated by them and get confused when trying to do things, like import buttons to make this blog more visible.

More will be revealed as I like to write....

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Making Money

I am one of those individuals who works and earns a scarce amount of money. That I hope will change this year. Everyone who has worked with me, with the exception of two people, has been thrilled with my ability to write what was needed and with my ability to listen and understand.

I have taken great pride over the years in my ability to tackle many diverse subject areas. I was trained to think in an interdisciplinary fashion. It is what makes things interesting for me. It is also what makes life more complex.

What is your specialty? I am often asked. I try hard not to narrow my scope of inquiry. Many find that disconcerting. "Of course you struggle, you are all over the place. You need to find a niche and develop it." I did, in a fashion, find my niche. It has always been women. But, I make a distinction about my own writing and writing what others need or want. I do not have the luxury to just write about women.

Be that as it may, I have determined that this is the year I will hit it big. Hit it big with my own works and hit it big in my writing business. That also includes the workshops that I offer for women ( a separate business, but a business nonetheless.)

I have started the year with quite a few requests by people to help them with their books, partially written, not yet begun, whatever. I look forward to helping others see their books become reality. I also look forward to my writing a new screen play and selling it -- BIG TIME!

I am looking to allow abundance into my life in all its manifestations. There, I have made a public declaration of my intent and I will see it happen.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Inspired: Women Working

I went to a Goddess store this AM to promote my book: Awakening Minerva: The Power of Creativity in Women's Lives and to promote my workshop on creativity. The store owner was a petite, attractive woman with big blue eyes who spoke easily about dance and meditation.

There was a hip hop class going on in the studio as we spoke out in the store. We talked about dancing, about dance and sexual energy, different forms of dance and meditation. We spoke about expanding or releasing one's energy through dance, which entails a connection to that place deep inside of each of us, male or female, that houses the sexual.

As we spoke about these things, I mentioned that I was from a different city-- perhaps 40 , 50 minutes away. She told me about the long distances that other women traveled to take dance
classes at the goddess studio. Different dance classes. I learned that there was one woman, who happened to be from my city, who came to the studio every morning to dance for two hours before she would travel back to do her days work.

She owns her own business and thus can determine when her work day begins. The thought of taking two hours every day to dance before she begins her work is spectacular. What a gift to herself and probably everyone else who works with her including her clients.

That is the point really. If we give ourselves, perhaps better phrased, allow ourselves the time to fulfill our needs physically, emotionally, spiritually, we are always better equipped to deal with the day's challenges. I didn't speak with this woman, she was dancing. But I certainly was inspired by her discipline and her strength to say: this is what I need.

We all need to be inspired. Look around you today and see what messages the universe is providing you.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Women on my mind

I have been trying to figure this blogging business out for a couple of weeks now. I admit, that one of the reasons I ventured into this arena was to obtain another form of income from my writing. And, while I have been writing in the dark, as it were, I am beginning to get a sense of what is out there.

I am a writer by trade, a mother and a wife, a friend, a confident, a speaker, a workshop facilitator to name a few roles I play-- functions I serve? At any rate, one of those roles requires me to write a newsletter for the Ft. Lauderdale National Assoc. of Women Business Owners. I enjoy the women I meet through this chapter and the other networking chapters I have attended. Although, I am not one to be involved in the highly structured, more rigid networking groups. That is not my style.

My style is far more casual. I come from a background in the arts. That is basically irrelevant. What I have discovered recently, through my eyes as a woman business owner looking at the blogs, is exactly that. There seems to be a lack of voices writing about women business owners. I have looked at the topics on helium, I am not moved. I have looked at the women's topics on other women driven sites and yet they all seem so traditional.

Perhaps my voice needs to be heard in this arena. Within this arena, the issues of money, creativity, life balance, family, sisterhood all exist. That is what I love to write about. And so, this is a declaration. My blogging will continue to address the needs of women, mothers, daughters, friends. My voice will be inspired by your voice and so I hope to get a dialogue moving between women seeking other women's understanding of this journey we are on.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Mastering the blog

I am a bit intimidated by this blogging stuff. But, unlike things in the past, I keep coming back to it. I have resolved that I will get help to understand and develop my blog. I know already that I am missing something particular as I have posted several items over two months but do not know if the world has received them. I have also, joined, I think networks etc. It is a bit daunting to keep writing in the dark, as it were.

And, I am not clear about the process of earning money from blogging. It has taken me a couple of years to attempt this and I am determined to make it work. I do learn quickly but I need help. I have applied to be part of the AdSense and was approved. Yet, I do not seem to know how to coordinate it all. Someone, several weeks ago, e-mailed me with all kinds of instructions. I tried to understand them but to no avail. Oh Well. It is all a learning process and I am up to learning new things.

It seems that the older I get, the slower I learn. Perhaps it is more accurate to write, the slower I move through my hesitations and anxieties. But, I am resolved. I will get this together and I will do it by the end of January. From there, I plan on building my blog into a thriving business. I am a writer by nature, by craft, by profession. It just makes sense that blogging is a part of the process now. It is not enough to write stories, or articles, or books, not even speech writing. It is not enough to try my hand at screenwriting. For me, using words to communicate has taken on many forms and contexts. I willingly embrace all of them.

Mastering the form is the problem far more so than the context. I understand the context in the bigger picture, though that is stated from a position on the outside looking in. I will have to revisit the issue of form and context in a year.

For the moment, if you see this post, please connect with me. You can read more of my ramblings at 4firestone.wordpress.com.